Ghosts

At some point of time things are just not goin to be ok. You know you're going though a certain amount of shit while someone else is getting a nice fuck in the bed. Hurts my feelings...

But that's something that you need to get used to. You break up and you know this is goin to happen. But when you know its happening, you feel you were just not prepared for this. A friend of mine said, if you break up with someone, remember that she's getting fucked by someone else. Well, its easier said than thought.

But Things have changed a lot in my life now. Have a job, a car, been workin out, and been feelin kinda good about myself.

Man... this is a shitty post... I'll stop this fucin thing right here in between this senten

Angry???

You don't even know angry... I've had sex with anger!

I've been so angry in my life you don't even know what I've done in anger. Anger was something I used to bathe in. I used to breathe fire. My eyes were embers. My skin was the surface of a furnace. When I was angry I can burn you.

I've been angry. I've been so angry that i would have scared myself if i'd seen me that angry. There are very few people who've seen me like that. Maybe I'm close to them, maybe they've unlucky. I've begun to think that im not close to any human on this earth. So that would only mean that they're fuckin unlucky.

Its been a while since I felt that temperature in me. That bubbling of blood in the veins. There should be something as hot as fire inside you that could cause such a thing to happen. Im so peaceful nowadays. Nothing even touches me. I feel there's a wall around me and everything around the wall is just a breeze. It just passes by without even getting my attention.

There was something sometime that got in. Destroyed the walls, Broke into the granite bricks of my walls. Killed my security and pulled me out of the kings chamber. Got me out into the wild weather and challenged me. I fell in love with it.

Fuck you 'time'...

I wish she won't get married. I mean... I still see her as a kid! Things move so fat and all of a sudden she's gettin married??? My heart was out naked for her for so long. I can't find someone like that again. And she's getting married...

I think its time for me to prepare myself for a life of loneliness. I shouldn't be hard. When I think of a relationship, I should just get my 'conscious' mind to leave the thought and get back to some HTML or CSS. When I think about her with her new husband on a honeymoon or something, it would probably be a good time to test how fast I can run. I can run fast you know. I might lose my breath and my legs can cramp and I could stop moving. But I can run really really fast.

I was prepared for the fact that she was gonna go but I am not prepared for the fact that she's goin to be 'gone'. Fuck! In the list of people I really really dislike, I think I should reserve a seat for a bastard-to-be.

Is it all my fault? Did I do this? No its not me. Its your fault you fuckin 'time'... Fuckin cock suker. Go die in a pile of pig shit. 'Time'... if you were a real person and you were fuckin with my life like this I swear I would have made you tase your minced balls with extra chilli...

Why am I here?

Im not the kind of guy that enjoys the company of people. Most of the time I'd just like to be alone. But being alone at home gets... normal. I like to go out in the wild. For me 'the wile' is a place that is beyong the general commercial population. Way down on the highway where there aren't people walking around is a nice place to be at.

I remember the ring road around mysore. I remember the numerous times i've been on that. It was almost an year of being by myself. I drove my kinetic on that road, stopped at random places and just looked at the earth beyond. It always felt very peaceful. I liked the view of the sky touching the grass. No concrete between them.

I try to walk sometimes in this foreign land. I try to walk to place thats far away from home. But when its dark, its time for me to get back home. 'Home'... I almost don't know where it is. I want to get away from everyone. I want to live in the open skies. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I want to see the stars and the black sky as my blanket.

Why am I here? Why can't I get out of this place?

Over thinking

The problem with having new ideas is executing them. Sometimes you hear stories about people who have achieved success (which is an extremely relative word) with just a simple idea. So I sometimes think - "An idea is all that matters". Every now and then, I do get some ideas. But none of those ideas ever materialize as the work required to build it in concrete is a lot. By the time you are done building the foundation for one idea, you have the second one coming up. That's what over thinking does.

The second one is always more enticing than the first one. The first one begins to seem old. The idea fades and the foundation remains an abandoned area of naked steel rods and stray bricks. The first idea gets ditched and the second idea gets the treat from a hungry brain.

However, the third idea is always better than the second... In life you always end up leaving a trail of dead, unfulfilled ideas. Its a bit of a sad sight. Almost nostalgic.